No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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