Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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