I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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