All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
