I met the friendliest cop last night
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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