I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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