you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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