so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
