I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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