farters have to be the big spoon...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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