You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
