Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
