I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
