you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
porn star boner night. come get it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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