I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
