come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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