gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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