Screwed.edu
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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