I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
