I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
