I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Couch. On fire.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
