xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
