Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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