matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
