U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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