i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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