broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
