Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
