If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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