it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
