Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
