He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
