Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
