Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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