i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
