I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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