My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
