Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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