Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
