Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
