I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
