ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
