Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
