i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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