Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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