I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
