It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
