Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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