Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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