all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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