come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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